How to lose a lyrics-rewriting contest

22Jul08

[Backstory: I'm currently digging through 15,000 contest entries to rewrite the first verse of a very bro-tastic song.]
Include lines about: fake breasts, softcore porn, your inability to pay for your children’s education, grenades, your father’s unexpected death, your sweet sweet stash of Mary J, how miserable your desk job is, how your marriage is failing, [...]

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Tags: today this blog is run on hate

The J-Intern Encyclopedia

22Jul08

Project (PRAH-jekt): noun. A project is an assignment that takes at least two weeks, requires the brain activity of a crippled lemer, and is important enough that it absolutely must get done — but not so important that anyone but the intern should waste their time on it. See also: bitchwork.
You will be assigned a [...]

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Tags: j-intern encyclopedia, project, quirky cancer

Monday??! More like FUN DAY. (Kind of like how Hundo = Mad Fundo)

21Jul08

Today I’m sort of a badass. I’ve been on the phone with the Chair of the U.S. Election Assistance Committee, the President of the League of Women Voters, and the head of the CDC. If I’ve learned anything from my internship, it’s to go after primary sources, because they’re more accessible than you think, and [...]

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Tags: badassery, hundo, internship, mad fundo

Happy Friday, indeed.

18Jul08

It’s always a fun day at the internship when I get to spend four hours on http://www.cancer.gov.

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Tags: cancer, friday, internship

Everything is better (with stars!)

17Jul08

I think I’m getting sick, which is weird, because my diet almost exclusively consists of Gummy Vites. Oh wait, actually, that makes sense. Carry on, illness.
Anyway, today I mingled. I hate mingling. I hate the word “mingling” and everything each of its inbred syllables connotes. I had this don’t say cult don’t say cult Cult [...]

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Tags: cough, soupy corpses

Drink coffee, stay sane

16Jul08

I thought I was dying, but as it turns out, I just have a mental disorder. A delicious, roasted, slow-brewed mental disorder. Thanks, National Geographic!

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Tags: too delicious, two creams, two sugars

Oh, I guess that’s sort of a wheelchair though.

14Jul08

I’m starting this blog because I was wondering how many alcoholics go to aa.com looking for help but instead just find the American Airlines Web site and just take a trip and keep being alcoholics.
I should be kidding. I’m not. I went to aa.com — because I wanted to price my brother’s trip, not because [...]

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Tags: aa, babies, is this really my life, new york, quotes